As Pride month is upon us, I wanted to share with you two different stories of gay women who grew up in very strict religious communities that do not accept gay relationships. (There are religious communities which not only welcome gay relationships but have actively fought for LGBTQ rights. To take one example, in Canada’s gay marriage debate, the Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto played a leading role.) The two stories highlighted below have similarities but also some key differences. Most notably, one of these women has not only maintained strong ties to her religion, but her religion’s stories, narratives, and heroic figures were critical in helping them to navigate their own journey. In the other case, being true to themselves meant leaving the religion altogether.
So here are two great memoirs. I discussed one of these books before (Hijab Butch Blues) but I wanted to put it in conversation with the newer book which is discussed first.
Photo credit: Kissing Girls on Shabbat Book Cover; Hijab Butch Blues Book Cover
Kissing Girls on Shabbat
Sara Glass grew up as a Hasidic Jew. In Kissing Girls on Shabbat, she explains that she was attracted to women early on and powerfully. She found similar women in her community and together, they broke the acceptable rules but silently and without getting caught.
Glass struggled a lot with promising God she would stop and then not being able to contain her desire to be loved and to be held.
Eventually, she is paired off to be married to a young man but the relationship is doomed from the start. There are extra complications because in the close Hasidic community, your family’s reputation is critical. Glass’ family’s reputation has already been affected by the mental health struggles of an older sister. When Glass eventually divorces, her own family to some extent divorces her. They cannot grasp how you would divorce and they separate themselves from her. They are unaware of the larger issue of Sara’s sexuality.
Photo Credit: Dr Sara Glass Facebook Profile
Sara is also academically bright and does something a bit uncommon by going to university as a Hasidic woman. She studies psychology there while also getting an education in how people outside her community think and live.
By degrees, Sara starts to question how she was raised. Her freedom is heavily compromised by the presence of her children. If her queerness is found out within the community, she might lose her kids as her get (a Jewish divorce agreement) is premised on her raising the kids according to Hasidic Jewish practice and doctrine. Her ability to go for years living a dual life without getting discovered and managing to hold herself together is astonishing. This woman has grit.
I don’t want to give the rest away. I encourage you to read her memoir. Eventually she finds her way to a place of peace but that place will be outside her religion. She is very public today and has a strong online presence. This is a story of strength and a kind of triumph, but it is achieved through immense vulnerability and watching a life crumble and be put back together again and again.
Hijab Butch Blues
Photo Credit: Lamya H’s website.
Where Sara Glass is very public, Lamya H (her name is hidden) is very private. She is not out to her own family and to others in her community.
In Hijab Butch Blues, Lamya writes about growing up in the Gulf states where her family are immigrants. They struggle as outsiders but the life of being an outsider is just beginning for Lamya.
She realizes she is gay around age 14. There are no avenues for her to share this with anyone in her circles. She eventually goes to the USA for college.
There she deals with so many issues – she is a Muslim, brown, queer and wears hijab. The combination means she is almost constantly needing to hide some part of herself or deal with being marginalized.
I have read several queer religious memoirs but this one stands out for letting us readers into her religious worldview. Lamya deals with the struggles of life by turning to figures in her faith – Mary the Mother of Jesus, Moses, Noah, as well as the Prophet Muhammad and his wife Khadija. You are given an inside look at how a person struggles with life and uses their religion to navigate through difficult waters.
Lamya never comes out to her family. She says simply there would be nothing to be gained. They live in a different country and a different world where they know no one who is gay and have no context for grasping it. It would devastate them and achieve nothing. This woman deals with a lot and she too, has grit.
Some Takeaways
Photo of Symbols of the world’s largest religions displayed on rainbow flags at the Queer Easter, Germany. Credit to Wikipedia, CC BY 2.0
First, religion and sexuality are simply two of the most powerful forces in human life. They drive behaviour, shape our very identity, and can both forge and comprise both community and relationships. When they are in tension, it is a volcano with a level of personal struggle that is heart-rendering to read.
Second, the outcomes are never predictable. As shown above, some leave the religion and some stay. Others (including a secondary character in Glass’ book) suppress their sexuality, have straight marriages, and live their lives likely conflicted but also with some love and pride in their family. The volcano might erupt, pour out lava trails, or just lie dormant even if smouldering.
Third, the struggle can, in many ways, dominate their lives. For both authors, managing this turmoil anchors so much of what they do.
Fourth, the struggle has implications for their families. They wrestle not only as individuals but with the knowledge that their sexuality can deeply impact (or even sever) family relationships that mean so much to them.
And finally, in some cases, we watch people in these situations run into the paradox of being twice rejected. At times, some in the Queer community can be hostile to religiosity which can mean a rejection of thsoe with faith. Conversely, those in their religious community often reject their sexuality. Being pious and religious can pose unique challenges.
Other Books
Photo Credit for all 3 book covers is from Amazon: ‘The Queer Evangelist’, ‘We’ve Always Been Here‘, ‘Muslims on the Margins‘
I highly recommend the books above. But if you’re interested in others, check out the Queer Evangelist (the memoir of Canadian MPP and minister Dr Cheri Di Novo), We’ve Always Been Here (the memoir of a Canadian queer Muslim immigrant) and finally Muslims on the Margins which, unlike the rest, is not a memoir but an academic book that looks at the experiences of queer Muslims and tries to garner insights from the author’s research.
